New proverbs by a witless twit

Am too busy and important to blog. Also unable to use full sentences. Have decided the time is right to start tweeting/become darling of Twitter community. Now coming up with life-changing proverbs to drop on twits. Ideas so far:

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and start telling everyone about the time you got so drunk on Kristov you fell asleep on the toilet at a party and woke up in a pool of your own urine with your pants down and the words "I LUV COCK" tattooed across your forehead."

"If at first you don't succeed, tell everyone that you failed deliberately because you'd never failed at anything before and you were challenging yourself to see if you actually could fail at something, so, technically, you succeeded in not succeeding which means you really did succeed after all."

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off forever, even if it means feeling really guilty about it for about six months and then just guilty enough for it to ruin your mood every now and then for the rest of your life."

"Revenge is sweet, and a dish best served cold, which makes me think that revenge is either a tiramisu or some kind of egg-based dessert. Possibly crème brûlée, although, I think that's served warmish... Wait, what exactly do they mean by cold? Does it have to come out of the fridge or can it just be like, not heated? Because if it's the latter then revenge could be cupcakes or bananas or that crêpe at the bottom of the stack which has cooled down by the time you eat it. Can we get a clearer definition? Because next time I'm served a cold/room temperature dessert then it'd be nice to know whether I'm eating a tasty treat or sinister metaphor for vengeance."

Have just discovered two earth-shattering pieces of information. One: tweets are limited to 140 characters, which means all above proverbs are too long. Two: apparently brevity is the soul of wit,  and since I don't have the confidence to deliver one-liners and prefer to ramble on within the secure confines of excessive punctuation, this means I can never be twitty witty on Twitter.

In conclusion, I will never send any tweets. If you'd like to follow me anyway (please do, I only have 12 followers which is terrible for my web cred), then add me: http://twitter.com/alicegalletly